I WAS MARRIED ONCE
I was married once, did you know that?
I met a girl. I fell in love. And I watched as she walked down the aisle in a dress of white and pearl. She came towards me and I took her hand. I spoke my vows, I declared my love, and I placed a silver ring upon her finger.
But I am not married anymore.
I often think back to that day and all the those moments in between. I think about how I felt, what I felt, and what my life would be like after that day.
It all seems far away now. Like a distant dream that’s blurry and hard to remember. There are things that come to my mind every so often while walking alone or thinking to myself in the empty space of my house.
Smiles, tears, touches, the exchange of words and thoughts and emotions. All these things that were something but now are nothing at all.
But mostly I remember who I was.
I remember all my faults. All the things I did wrong. All the things I wished I hadn’t done and the things I wish I had.
And perhaps it would all be different if I had been different. But I suppose we all think that at one point or another.
We recall every mistake, every harsh word, every act of indifference, and conversations that could of gone differently.
There are times when I should have stopped speaking. There are times when I should have forgave and scooped up my bride in my arms and kissed her, whispered in her ear, and made love to her. There times when I should have put her first. But I did not and I am sad because of it.
I am different now. Because when something like that breaks. When something like that falls apart, you have to change. You have to be remade. You have to learn.
Because with everything that breaks, with everything that falls apart, and every hardship that we endure we must find the good in it. What did we learn? What did we gain? What can we do differently?
I do not recall the man who was once married because he is a stranger to me now. A man I do not relate to and a man I do not have much in common with. And perhaps it would of been better if I had been the man I am today when I was married. Or perhaps it wouldn’t of changed anything. One cannot be certain.
I am not certain of who I would be if I was still married or what my life would be like. I’m not certain of the man I would of been or what my life would be if I still had a ring on my finger. All I know is the man I am now.
Good can come from every situation we go through. Lessons can be attained. Through these things we can become who we were meant to be and we can become better.
I suppose there will be much more writings about this as it comes to my mind and enters my thoughts. And perhaps these writings will remain hidden and never be read by anyone. Or perhaps there will only be a few pages regarding this matter.
Either way, it is an interesting thing to have been married and now to no longer be married.
I have learned so much about myself, about love, about forgiveness, and about what it means to be broken and remade.
I will never stop learning. I will never stop trying to be better. And I will try my upmost to avoid the mistakes of the past.
Love is an interesting thing. Forgiveness is an interesting thing. To be broken and remade is a very interesting thing. And to have been one man and now another is a very interesting thing.
I was married once. But I am not married anymore.
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